Ways to Annoy Percy Jackson Characters
by SeaweedBrainVon
Summary: Just what the title suggests. If you don't get it, it's a list of ways you can get under the skin of Percy Jackson and co. Not literally of course, that would be gross.
1. Percy Jackson

**Ways to Annoy Percy Jackson Characters**

**Disclaimer: If I owned Percy Jackson, Rachel Elizebeth Dare would have died and Luke wouldn't have. Since neither unfortunately happened, I do not**

**And now, because it's against the rules to post lists, the prologue:**

_All the gods were chilling on Mt. Olympus one day, when Hermes got bored. And we all know a bored Hermes is in no way, shape, or how good. The messenger god tried everything from flying around the world, to incessantly poking Ares until the god of war gave him a black eye, which healed soon enough. And when it did, Hermes was still bored._

_It was too bad Poseidon wasn't there, Hermes could have stolen one of his horses. The sea god, was in fact, in his underwater palace, where he had banned Hermes from _ever_ coming to unless it was to deliver an _ultra important _message (One tiny mishap with the Greek fire in the forges and his uncle throws him out! Can you believe it? The nerve!). Actually, if Poseidon wasn't present, what better time to pick on his son? Yes, that would give him something to do for a few minutes. Granted, Poseidon would kill him because what gods considered "messing around" could kill a mortal. Still…he needed something to do and he wanted young Percy to be the target. If the god of thieves couldn't mess with him _physically_, at least he could cook up some ways to…to…annoy him. A wicked smirked graced the gods lips as he pulled out a scroll and a quill. He looked incredulously at what he just pulled out before throwing them over his shoulder and instead, bringing out a laptap..._

Chapter One: Way's to Annoy Percy Jackson

-Ask him to unclog the toilet with his "awesome and oh so magical powers"

-Give him a small print book in English, telling him he must read it

-Ask him how his Grandfather (Kronos) is doing

-Wreck Mr. Blowfish's car and blame it on Percy…again.

-Ask him to use his pen 'cause yours is out of ink

-Drag him to an airport than proceed to yell that he's got a weapon on him as you go through the metal detectors

-When the police man check him, only finding a pen, keep insisting that he's armed and offer a strip search

-Laugh if they comply with the strip search, and then ditch him in the airport

-Run away from Percy if they don't

-Tell him Annabeth's pregnant

-…With Luke

-Ask him why his hair's already graying

-Always ask him loudly in public if he needs help reading anything like he's a little kid

-Chuck Dr. Suess books at his head and tell him to learn how to read

-Frequently make him red food

-Insistently tell him that there's no such thing as blue food

-When he makes you blue food as proof, politely tell him that that food color is clearly orange and that he is going color blind

-Laugh at him if he believes you

-Yell out in public, "Hey, it's the problematic child who's always being chased around the country by the law!"

-Do so in front of police men

-Pull the fire alarm. Blame it on Percy…Again

-Ask him if his Fishy Senses are tingly

-Ask him why his fingers aren't webbed

-Ask him where his gills are

-Ask him that in front of mortals

-Sign him up for Book Club

-Sign him up for tutoring

-Whisper constantly in his ear "Kronos is watching you"

-Constantly remind him that Ares and Athena's are out to get him

-Ask him why he's such a loner and always sits alone at the Dining Pavilion

-Make fun of his height compared to Tyson's, his _little_ brother

-Ask him to come on an airplane with you

-Try to drown him

-Ask him why he looks so much like Harry Potter.

-Ask him if he used scented ocean-smelling shampoo

-Constantly ask, "Erupt any volcanoes lately?"

-Always call him Perseus

-Replace all his music player songs with things like "Under the Sea"

-Call him "the little mermaid"

-Make him fish for breakfast/lunch/dinner/whatever

-Ask him if he can hear their dying screams

-Beg him to join the swim team at a mortal school

-Always greet him, "Hey Percy, blow up any schools lately?"

-Ask him how many schools he got kicked out of this year

-Mock his ADHD by randomly screaming, "Butterfly!" and pointing while in the middle of a conversation

-Ask him why his dad can get more girls than he can

-Write "I love Annabeth" over all his possessions

-Steal his pen

-Uncap Riptide and continue to make light saber sound with it

-Ask him how Rachel's doing in front of Annabeth

-Ask him how Calypso's doing in front of Annabeth

-In the middle of the war, pull him aside saying you need to tell him something urgent. Then ask something pointless like: "Did you ever meet Spongebob?" or "Have you ever went to see the actual Titanic Ship underwater"

-Change his ring tone to "A Pretty Little Fish"

-Repeatedly call him when he's in public so people can hear his ring tone and he can attract monsters

-Sing "Kiss the Girl" (from the Little Mermaid) whenever he's near Annabeth

-Call him "Seaweed Brain"

-When he tells you not to call him that ask him why he lets Annabeth.

-Call him a hypocrite because he tells Selena and Beckendorf to go out because they obviously like each other, but he and Annabeth won't go out when they obviously like each other

-Keep asking him to make it rain when it's really sunny out

-If he does make it rain, keep telling him to make it stop

-Call him shark boy

-Dye all his clothes/ hair pink

-Bring up Annabeth in every sentence or ask him about their relationship


	2. Annabeth Chase

**Disclaimer: I may not own Percy Jackson, but I do like to torture the characters n.n**

_It was only minutes after he finished the list the Hermes became once again bored. What to do, what to do? The answer? Solitaire on the computer. Wow, he really had no life. _

_"Hermes," Apollo said calmly from behind the messenger god, making Hermes job five feet in the air from his sudden appearance. "Why the hell do you have a file on your desktop labeled 'Ways to Annoy Percy Jackson?'?"_

_"I was bored," the god pouted, looking extremely childish. "Hey, I am not childish!"_

_Sure you aren't Hermes, sure you aren't._

_"I'm not!"_

_"Hey Hermes, I don't think you're suppose to talk to the author," Apollo pointed out._

_"Oh."_

_Can I continue?_

_"Yeah."_

_"Sure, go ahead."_

_Anyway-_

_"Wait, wait, wait, why can't I just go prank some people if I'm so bored?" Hermes asked._

_Because I said so._

_"And because it would take away from the plot, smart," Apollo added._

_"But I don't care about messing with mortals. Much funner to pull jokes on gods."_

_More fun, Hermes. Funner isn't a word_

_"Yeah, and this story is called Ways to Annoy Percy Jackson Character, anyway" Apollo pointed out. "Not Hermes the Prankster"_

_You guys done?_

_"Yeah"_

_You sure? Cause I can come back later._

_"No, now's fine."_

_..._

_As I was saying..._

_Hermes s__uddenly smiled that smile of his that you didn't have to be an oracle to know your life was in danger. "Wanna help me make another list?"_

_Apollo stared at him blankly at him for a whole minute, staring unblinkingly until Hermes actually thought his brother would deny his request when the sun god suddenly grinned, his teeth so white it nearly ruined Hermes eyesight; except for the fact that he was, well, a god and couldn't be blinded..._

_"Which little demigod shall we irritate?" Apollo smirked._

_"I was thinking since we already picked on Poseidon's child," Hermes started. "We might as well make a list for Athena's"_

Chapter Two: Ways to Annoy Annabeth Chase

-Put a fake spider on her head

-Put a real spider on her head

-Constantly whisper in her ear, "Hera's gonna get you!"

-Steal her laptop, given to her by Daedalus

-Offer it as ransomed

-Tell her Calypso had a baby about nine months after the Battle of the Labyrinth (when Percy went to her island)

-Write "I love Percy" over all her possessions

-Call Percy "Popeye" cause he's a sailor and Annabeth "Olive" because that's the kind of tree her mom made

-Constantly call her "Wise Girl" or "Owl head" or an olive-eating owl-eyed know-it-all

-Gasp theatrically every time she says something like "I don't know"

-Send her a fake invitation to the Fourth of July fireworks from Percy. When she arrives, tell her that Percy is taking Rachel

-When she and Percy get into a fight, remind her that being the only child of Poseidon, there are no other boys in the sea

-Pretend to be in love with Percy and make it obvious in front of her

-Tell Athena she and Percy were making out in her temple (like Poseidon and Medusa)

-Tell her about a piece of architecture she doesn't know about (make it up if you must)

-Constantly ask her how to spell words

-Talk about Luke

-Beat her at something like chess or poker (you will most likely have to cheat)

-Every time she and Percy argue about Luke, say that she's only defending Luke because she's in love withhim

-Trick her into think she's leading her own quest

-When she thinks Percy's dead in The Battle of the Labyrinth, tell her that he's actually on Calypso's island and laugh when she thinks you're just making a sick joke

-Tell her she was wrong for once when Percy comes back to Camp

-Bring up the topic of Rachel Elizabeth Dare

-When having a conversation with her randomly point and shout, "Owl!"

-Bring up the topic of Calypso

-Any time Annabeth asks where Percy is tell her he went to Calypso's island.

-Leave a 5 year old alone with all her books and a pack of permanent markers.

-Make her watch a movie that destroys all the best architecture.

-Tell her Athena fell into the Lethe River and is now stupid

-Bring up Percy in every sentence

-Steal her invisibility cap

-Taunt her by saying "You can't find me!" while wearing the cap

-When she finds you, tell her you're a ninja, put the cap back on, and walk away

-Tell her Percy joined the Titans

-Bonus points if you tell her he took Rachel with him

-Tell the Aphrodite girls that she and Percy broke up and he is now single

-Say that Luke abandoned her for Thalia

-Say that Luke abandoned her for Percy (o.O)

-Tell her Athena killed Percy.

-Show her a painting Rachel drew of Percy

-Tell her she's stupid

-Constantly spell out words to confuse her ("And he went to get some l-e-m-o-n-a-d-e")

-Give her a manga and not tell her it's written backwards

-Tell her she's not smart enough to do your homework then sit back and watch her do it for you

-Tell her Thalia turned back into a Pine Tree

-Tell her Luke came back to life and Percy killed him

-Tell her Luke went to the Fields of Punishment

-Tell her, her mom faded

-Tell her something she doesn't know and brag about how you know more than Annabeth

-Bribe Aphrodite to turn Percy gay


	3. Grover Underwood

**Wow, I really should update quicker. Sorry, it's a lot shorter than the other chapters. But on the bright side, I finally got a flame! Now I can start burning my sisters Twilight books! And no, I was not drunk when I wrote this. But hell, with my family, you never know if someone spiked you Koolaid.**

**Disclaimer: Yes, I own Percy Jackson because I'm Rick Riorda-And honestly! You think I'd be writing **_**fanfiction**_** if I was as rich as that guy? So I, obviously, am not!**

I am so too lazy to write a prologue. But since it's rules that no lists are allowed, this will have to do: Let's just say that Dionysus somehow sneaked in some wine without Zeus knowing, and a drunk god in charge of satyrs, along with Apollo and Hermes, is NOT GOOD. Continue reading at your own risk…

How to Annoy Grover Underwood

-Tell him Pan isn't really dead (after BotL, of course)

-Tell him Pan faked his own death to get away from him

-Spread the word that Pan doesn't exist

-Start a petition to get rid of all enchiladas at all schools

-Tell him to put some pants on whenever you see him around Camp

-Pinch his cheek, telling him how he's "just a late bloomer"

-Prank Dionysus and blame it on him **(Don't ask me **_**why**_** Dionysus would write this; remember, he's drunk)**

-Pinch his cheek when he grows more facial hair and longer horns and tell him about "how much he's growing"

-Tell him not to get his "utters in a twist"

-Take off his hat in public, point to his horns and yell, "Devil Spawn" and "The Power of Christ Compels You!"

-Spike his enchilada or poison it

-Whenever he asks you to do something, say, "As you wish, Lord of the Wild!"

-Every time he comes up to you, yell, "PAN KILLER!" and run away

-Give him a bunny for his birthday **(he has a bunny phobia, but I don't remember why, so now I'm curious...)**

-Extra points if it's numerous bunnies trained to attack him

-Give him a can and, after he eats it, tell him you found it in the stables.

-Tell him even you can play Hilary duff better.

-Sick a Cyclops after him

-Extra points if that Cyclops is Tyson

-Extra _Extra _points if it's Polyphemus

-Speaking of which, ask him if you missed the wedding

-Tell him you heard that Junipers tree was getting cut down.

-Mimic Dionysus's voice and snap at him every time you come up to him from behind

**Sankyuu to people who reviewed with ideas for other characters, I'll get to them as soon as possible. I've been slow since summer started but thank Allah school's out!**

**And…that's it….Yep.**

**Just kidding. Special thanks to Boysareadrag, for giving me some awesome ideas and not killing me for forgetting to cite her earlier! Hope you have a funner day than the one I did (and yes, I mean funner, not more fun, so take that Boysareadrag!-lol, inside joke, don't ask).**


	4. Luke Castellan

**Disclaimer: I may not own Percy Jackson but…yeah, I got nothing….**

_And of course, being the irresponsible gods they are (makes you feel _real _secure), Apollo, Hermes, and Dionysus lost their "How To Annoy" papers. Said documents slowly floated down to Earth, landed in the water, and almost choked Percy as he was swimming._

_Annoyed, the son of the Sea God went back to land, totally dry of course, and aired out the paper. His eyes got bigger and bigger as he read them (very slowly, mind you) and knew the gods must _really _dislike him. When Grover stumbled over to him, asking him what was wrong, Percy merely showed him the papers. Instead of being totally creeped out like his friend, a slow, slightly sadistic, smile spread across the satyr's face. _

"_You know what we gotta do now," Grover grinned. Percy stared at him for a moment questioningly before realization dawned on him and he shared the smirk._

"_Don't tell Annabeth, but I already have someone in mind."_

Ways to Annoy Luke Castellan

-Call him "Scar" and sing He is Not One of Us from Lion King II

-Steal Backbiter

-Make lightsabor sound every time you swing it

-Reminds him that the Percy Jackson series was named after Percy, not him

-Go up to him and say "Luke…I. Am. Your. Father."

-Laugh when he tells you Hermes is his dad and say, "So you admit it!"

-Try to work out a peace treaty between the Titans and the Olympians

-Tell him Annabeth's pregnant…

-…with Percy

_Percy looked questioningly at Grover. "Don't even kid about that man," he said in dead seriousness. "Athena will kill me."_

-Steal his wigged shoes

-Tell him that Percy's actually a son of Hermes and has taken his spot as the Hermes Cabin Counselor

-Keep knocking on his coffin when Krono is possessing him

-Dress up in a tie-dye dress and pretend to be Oracle Delphi. Proceed to make a prediction that he's going to lose the war

-Keep reminding him how Percy triumphed in all his quest while he failed his miserably

-Constantly mock him about how he wasn't able to kill a twelve-year-old

-Show him Twitter or Facebook, it's a great way to get followers

-Tell him Percy could kill him with just one bottle of water

-Tell him to take him and his failed attempts someplace else

-Constantly poke him and sing the Song that Never Ends (that'll get just about anyone. Sankyuu XXForestStarXX for the idea n.n You get a virtual cookie)

-Tell him he and Thalia broke that the Artemis contract

_Both boys instantly stopped snickering when a lightning bolt blasted right behind them. _

"_I think we're done," Percy said after a moment of terrified silence, quickly scribbling out the last part before Zeus blasted them._

"_Yeah. So enchalladas at the_ _dining pavilion today_,_ right?"_

"_Er, no."_


	5. Kronos

**I'm aliiiiive! **

**Yeah, I've actually hade this written for a while, I was just too lazy to gather everything together and post it! Anyway, here's my attempt at the humor I'm told I have no sense of. Good luck to all who dare to read~!**

Chapter Five: Ways to Get Killed by...er...Annoy Kronos

"_What are you guys doing?"_

"_Annabeth!" Percy jumped. "W-We're just…making a, uh, a How to Annoy someone list for…um…"_

"_Kronos," Grover jumped in, nodding. _

"_Yeah, him," Percy said, smiling meekly at the bullet they just dodged. They both knew how Annabeth felt about Luke and didn't want another awkward silence._

"_Really?" she drawled, steel grey eyes cold and calculating. It wasn't as if she was wondering whether they were lying or not-they already knew that she knew they were. It was more like she was weighing her options; should she call them out or just let their suspicious attitudes slide? "That sounds really…stupid," she said at last with a sigh. "Is it not enough that he wants to kill you?" _

_Percy shrugged. "He already does. I don't see how this could make things worse."_

"_How about damning your soul to eternity of torture in Tartarus?"_

"_Didn't think about that."_

_She sighed again. She had been doing that a lot since she met Percy. "What do you have so far?"_

"_Um…nothing."_

_The daughter of Athena rolled her eyes (another things she found herself doing frequently in the company of the son of Poseidon) and sat down in the sand next to them, pulling their pen into her hand and their paper onto her lap. _

Ways to Annoy Kronos

**CAUTION: Perform at your own risk!**

-Try to makes a peace treaty between the Titans and the Olympians

-When his cruise ship blows up, let a beat of silence pass before saying, "Didn't see that coming, did you now?"

-Laugh at his inability to kill a teenaged demigod while he's a million+ year old all powerful being

-Steal his scythe

-Ask him if he weighs more than his age

-Tell him evil is so last century

-Teach him how to text

-Write "Percy pwnz" over all his possessions

-Criticize his parenting skills

-Ask him why the heck he'd drink something that makes him throw up

-Ask him if he's a closet bulimic

-Yawn whenever he's threatening you

-Declare yourself his personal protégé

-Declare _him_ _your_ personal protégé

-Read him the part in The Last Olympian where he was defeated and point out all he did wrong

-Make him take notes on Voldemort, telling him that's how evil is _really _done

-End everything with "…according to the prophecy that states _you will get your ass kicked by your grandson!"_

-Always be cheerful around him

-Remind him that not only was all his hopes and dreams crushed into a million pieces, but so was he

-Get him a Camp Half Blood tee-shirt. Tell him it was a souvenir from the last time his forces went there and got their butts handed to them.

-Teach him to laugh maniacally

-Every time he comes up with a new plan, tell him, "It's perfect. But you forget, you're going against _Percy!_"

-Get his minions to hug him one by one

-Keep telling him he's doing it wrong, whatever _it_ is, even if he's not

-Ask him if he's the Lord of freakin' Time, why he can't stop time and just kill Percy while he's frozen?

_"Don't give him ideas!" Percy objected._

-Ask him if he's technically suicidal if he was Luke and Luke stabbed himself

-Sing him the Emo Song

-Act like a physiatrist: Was the abused he inflicted on his children a way of reaching out because of his own messed up childhood? Was he a bully? Was it because of his low self-esteem?

-Steal his scythe, dress in a black robe, and claim to be the grim reaper coming to take his soul

-Come visit him in Tartarus and tell him about how bright and happy it is in the world.

-Point out that his voice is _kind of_ intimidating.

-When he says that that's that point, say, "But you'll never make friends like that!"

-Sign him up for some internet matchmaker. Make sure to put in that he's several thousands of years old and still looks in his twenties

-Remind him how he wasn't even good enough to get a part in the movie

-Tell him you've met bunnies scarier than him

-Buy him parenting books

-Stare him down for a few minutes before shouting, "Fail!" and running away.

-Tell him he was scarier when he was just a creepy voice in a dark tunnel haunting Percy's dreams, and not in teenager mode

-Tell him no one takes him seriously with eyes of a sparkly vampire

-Tell him it was a really bad idea to trust Luke and Nathan. Once a traitor, always a traitor.

-Tell him that they got their traitorous genes from _his_ side of the family

-Decorate Mt. Othrys with flowers! Explain that they need to liven things up

-Smile at him whenever he glares at you

-Tell him he should retire and write a book

-One word: Sneak hugs!

_"That should do it," Annabeth murmured triumpenthly. "Here, Seaweed Brain, you hold onto it. If you think of anything else, write it down."_

_"Aye Aye, Cap'ain!" he replied with a mock solute. "I'll guard it with my life!"_

_"You better," she warned, but couldn't stop a small smile tugging onto her lips as she watched Percy bound away toward his cabin._


	6. Kronos Cont

**Guess who still lives~!**

**Yeah, you can stop groaning now, because I brought with me another update! It seems I've been starting my chapters a lot with that recently... I don't really have an excuse for my long hiatus except for the fact that I was lazy, so I hope you accept this apologetic short story to go along with the last chapter :D**

**Disclaimer: Percy Jackson and other characters © Rick Riordan**

…

He couldn't breathe. The precious gulps of air that he _did_ manage to choke through his throat were as heavy and as thick as syrup. And he would no – he had once downed an entire bottle of that stuff. Don't even ask why. They never seemed to _completely_ fill his lungs. The smell of sweat was so leadenly ladled around them, encasing them so tightly, he could practically _taste _it. And rest assured that sweat, even that of a titan's, was not a nice thing to taste.

The dots of perspiration nearly blinded him, blotching trails like raindrops down his eyes as they focused in and out. Beads rolled down his shoulder blades and he had to suppress a shudder every time they slicked against the small of his back, against that patch of flesh that felt dangerously exposed compared to the rest of his skin and he just kept thinking that _soon, _any minute, a blade would run through it.

The long, anxious seconds ticked into minutes but felt like hours. It really hadn't been that long, but when you were fighting someone as admittedly good as _him_, every moment was an embarrassing eternity of a pupil under a mocking master. And Percy never like teachers. Not even thinking back to when that use to be Luke, and for a moment he could pretend. Pretend to be annoyed every time he was parried away and disarmed and tackled to the ground, every time something right he did was chalked up to beginner's luck or Luke's teaching.

He lifted his sword again, or at least tried to because for all intents and purposes he was holding up the sky again, and his arms seemed to go numb in exhaustion. The blood in his veins solidified to lead, except apparently his legs suddenly weren't beneath him, instead replaced with jelly that shook dangerously.

A long scythe flashed toward him again and it took everything Percy had just to heave his own weapon up. It couldn't even really be called a block, though the soul snatching blade didn't hit him, but throwing his last hope in the projectile's path, desperately praying that it would thwart it off. The sword screeched against the opposing weapon. Sparks flashed and splayed, stretching their fingers as far as they could, and for a moment heated the blades red. They provided the only light illumination in the dimness cloaked around them, but not for long before Kronos overpowered him and sent him tumbling to his tailbone.

The young child of Poseidon had no idea what was happening around him, and he didn't_ want_ to know. He couldn't be distracted. He struggled to his feet again, bones aching like he just raced up the stairs to Mount Olympus instead of the elevator, but he was only shoved back down. To the floor, not down the stairs. That was a simile. Or was it a metaphor?

This wasn't good.

So, this was how he was going to die? He felt oddly sentimental, like his life should flash before his eyes or he should piece together a last poetic thought worthy of those Shakespeare books he was always suppose to read but never did.

What was he doing again?

Oh yeah, about to die. To Tarturus with his ADHD; a lot good it was doing him now.

The scythe came crashing down over his head. He rolled out of the way, and it grazed a few black strands right off his head. _Too close_, he thought, eyes wide against the cobblestones of the Olympian sanctuary as he gaped at the weapon sunk through the cold tiles like play doh and it might as well have been child's play to the Titan. And in a way, it was. He was toying with Percy; toying with a child.

Way too close.

The weapon dislodged itself from the ground as easily as if it were pulling itself out of butter. That stupid Titan with his impossibly impossible strength that shouldn't have been possible in such a normally human body.

The scythe fell again and this time, when he tried to roll out of the way, it snagged yet another hole in his shirt. He cursed, trying to move but unable to with his own clothing pinning him. A foot replaced the weapon momentarily, and instead the scythe was placed against his neck. In its reflection, a wicked grin spread on a face that was so not normally human's anymore.

That same smile didn't dwindle as it opened to say something. Honestly, Percy was through with listening, and all he heard was "Blah, blah, foolish fool of a fool, blah…" Dear gods, was he monologue-ing? A tiny voice inside his head that sounded suspiciously like Annabeth's supplied that 'monologue-ing' wasn't a real word, but he ignored it.

This was the time the hero was supposed to do something majorly epic, right? But honestly, he was so tired. He didn't think he could move much less…

Did Rachel just tackle-hug Kronos?

"I'm so confused…" Percy muttered, struggling to sit up.

Sure enough, Rachel Elizabeth Dare was holding the epitome of evil in a severe, bone-crushing bear hug. "What is this?" he seethed, trying to throw her off. "Let go, cursed mortal! Die!"

"By the gods, get a move on, Seaweed Brain," Annabeth cried, kicking Riptide back toward him.

"But…ah…"

"Percy! A little help would be appreciated, thank-" Kronos launched her over her shoulder and she went spiraling into the distance. He could almost hear her shrieking, "We're blasting off again!" but that might have just been his imagination. As was the little sparkle in the distance as she disappeared.

"Well then…" he mumbled. "Let's…uh…get back to it?"

"_What the Hades, Percy?" Rachel suddenly cut him off. _

"_R-Rachel!" he yelped, taken by surprise. He spun around, hands flying up like he was about to chop something like some white-belt. Ladieis and Gentlemen, your Savior of Olympus. He thinks he knows Karate._

"_You think I would hug the titan lord? I wasn't even there!"_

"_I-It was just a story?"_

"_Uh-huh," she mumbled with eyes positively narrowed, catlike in her glare._

…

…**in my mind, Percy ends up being either a marine biologist or an author, so…he was practicing. Or writing his autobiography in a way only **_**he**_** could manage. Distractions and divergences galore!**


	7. Graces

**And because I feel so bad for not updating in so long, here's another one. Be warned, I digress…**

**Percy Jackson and other characters © Rick Riordan.**

…

_Thalia squinted at the paper, written in the chicken scratch handwriting that was Percy Jackson. You'd think that amazing sword-wielding hand of his would allow him to write at least somewhat legibly. It had taken her hours to decode, and that wasn't only because of her dyslexia. But the first line hadn't been that hard to wrap her head around._

Ways to Annoy Thalia Grace

_She was going to kill him. _

_ Glancing back up at her poor, deluded cousin hanging upside down from the very tree she had been only a few scant years before, she supposed leaving him there for a while would do just as well. Her initial anger had dissipated hours ago, but the list still irked her. Instead of taking her sword and pincushioning it into every sliver of available skin until she found that annoying Achilles' spot, she decided to draw up her own list instead._

Things Percy Jackson is not allowed to do:

Never, under any circumstance, is Percy Jackson allowed to draw up a list of what annoys people the most.

Even if the Stoll brothers pay him to. They should be original and go back to forming their own ideas.

He is not allowed to steal Thalia's eyeliner.

He is not allowed to steal her Medusa shield.

He is not allowed to put said shield in front her cabin to scare her.

He is not allowed to put it outside of the Herme's cabin to scare new campers.

He is not allowed to put in front _anyone's_ cabin.

Especially not the Big House.

He is not allowed to tell her that she had been the "third wheel" with Annabeth and Luke

He is not allowed to rub his feet on a carpet then shock her, exclaiming, "Thalia is no match against my amazing electrical powers!"

He will probably get struck down by Zeus for that

He is not allowed to tell Thalia's that Annabeth's pregnant with Luke's child

He is not allowed to tell her Annabeth's pregnant with _his _child

That will result in an early vasectomy.

He is not allowed to steal her silver circlet marking her Artemis' first lieutenant

Nor is he allowed to call it a tiara

He is not allowed to call her "pinecone face" or "Sparky"

He is not allowed to constantly ask her why she put the whole "child of the prophecy" on his shoulders

He is not allowed to ask her if she knows children of Zeus suck with archery after she becomes a Hunter.

That's only true for Poseidon's children

He is not allowed to give her a car air freshener in the shape of a tree. Of any kind

He is not allowed to ask her if she's team Jacob or Team Edward

…

Satisfied, she slammed the paper down to the tree with one hand and very deliberately pinned it where it sat with a dagger. One by one, campers passed by that tree, the upside down boy catching their attention and, as they came to investigate, found instead a list. Ignoring the child whining for help rather unbefitting of a "Savior of Olympus," they pulled out pens he didn't even know this summer camp had and added to the list one by one. His cheeks burned red, but whether the reason for that was because of the humiliation, spluttering in anger, or simply the blood rushing to that thick head of his remained a mystery.

The paper was eventually moved, posted to the camp's bulletin board, and while Percy stewed in the background in comical indignation, he did nothing to remove it. Probably wouldn't have been able to, anyway, if the Stoll brothers were behind it. Who knew how they had rigged it, anything from the area around the actual bored to those tiny pushpins pinning it there.

It seemed every person in camp added something different: _Percy is not allowed to claim to be Jesus. That is offensive. And overused, and quite frankly not that funny in the first place. Percy is not allowed to sing Under the Sea. Percy is not allowed to sing Just Keep Swimming. Percy is not allowed to sing_ any_ sea related songs. Percy's not allowed to sing period. Percy is not allowed to start a swim team at Camp solely to show off. Percy is not allowed to join _his own_ school's swim team solely to show off. Percy is not allowed to break fire hydrants. Or volcanoes. Nor is he allowed to play dead for two weeks. He's not allowed to making googly eyes at Annabeth when he should be teaching us swordsmanship._ _He's not allowed to make googly eyes at me period! He's not allowed to distract me while on my laptop! Or distract _anyone_. He is not allowed to sick O'Leary on anyone. Especially not new campers…_.

The list went on and on from there, but was ultimately forgotten about during the war. More papers and news, more important announcements and serious regulations, big changes, covered it, but it was never taken down. Only lost. Eventually, it became just as much a legend to the younger, new recruits coming in, in those eight months, as the boy that it had been about went missing during that time period.

Jason hadn't even heard of the set of rules that the entire camp had set up for the supposed competent, reliable leader and savior. So when he found the paper, during an escapade during one Capture the Flag game that became horribly awry, prompting him and Leo to lead a harpy out of the forest and knocking over the bulletin board that had for decades and generations stood tall in all its decaying terminate-encrusted moss-grown glory, and asked Grover about it, he found himself wondering if he should be doubting the rumors of Jackson's inane behavior or his supposed counterpart's own competency. Surely one of the Heroes of Olympus couldn't be so outlandish that his own contemporaries would mock him like they did?

Certainly, he didn't know Percy Jackson, let alone the entire Greek camp. It was so different from the Romans. No organization, no strategies to even think of side for the ones the Athena cabin provided in states of emergency, no rigidity. Only during the war, apparently, they had been a full functioning body of machine. Now they were laid back; still training, but nowhere nearly as prepared as the regiments of Rome would be twenty four seven.

"That's just the way we are," his older sister had chuckled one day, as she inspected the aged, stained paper in her hands. Once white, it was now smudged yellow, wrinkled and frayed at the edge like it was parchment instead of college-ruled composition, falling apart like a filmy cloth between her fingers and she held on tightly, remember that day when the camp still had that kelp-head. "Every person is unique in the way they fight. They're not a single unit fighting. They're hundreds of kids all fighting their own battles, but working toward the same goal. They couldn't conform to a cohort, even if they wanted to. It's just not the way the Greeks are."

Jason snorted and glanced away from Thalia, watching over his knees the sand stretch far to his left and he felt kind of silly, with his arms curled around them, pulled to his chest as waves rolled up to shore and lapped his bare feet – he never would have even _considered_ forgoing shoes back at Camp Jupiter. Thalia stood and stretched, her toes pressing into the folds of thousands of tiny grains of sand freely as she stared out at the waters, then swiftly away. She didn't like coming to the beach. It was their uncle's domain. It was Percy's.

_Everyone_ had liked Jackson. Even Thalia Grace, despite how she'd never admit it. He glanced away again, thinking about how everyone thought the boy as a friend. He'd always been hard on his legions back at Camp Jupiter – always had, always will. Would they miss him?

He shook that thought out of his head as quickly as it had come, but when his eyes opened again, Thalia was already walking back the way they had come, calling a cheery, almost forced goodnight over her shoulder. She'd be sleeping with the Hunters, not in Zeus' cabin with him. She always did.

Dropping into her bunk, Thalia laid on her stomach, facing her pillow and the paper that laid there. A small mischievous smile crossed her lips, however briefly, and she found herself pulling out a pen and paper as the evening grew darker.

And when it grew light again, the entire camp read the new gag, not on the bulletin Annabeth was still reconstructing, but on Thalia's Tree, pinned there by the same dagger that had pinned it there almost a year ago.

Ways to Annoy Jason Grace:

Tell him Percy Jackson is a better protagonist

_Oof, _Jason thought as he read it, visibly wincing. _That one was a low blow, right in the forth wall._

Point out that Leo is _literally _hotter than he is

_Admittedly true, _he conceded.

Use his golden coin for a vending machine

_Ha, he didn't even have it anymore._

Remind him that he broke said coin.

_This had to be Thalia. Now, who else could possibly have know what he was thinking?_

Point out if he really had strong feelings for Reyna, he would have remembered her like Percy remembered Annabeth.

_Okay, that hasn't even happened yet!_

Toss him into the ocean.

_I'll toss you into the air, dear sister, _he thought bitterly, his ears reddening as people began gathering around him, hiding smiles behind their hands and stifling laughter behind coughs.

Compare him to Hercules.

Sing songs _from _the Disney's Hercules to him

Call him a Gary Stu

Lock him and Percy into a room together.

"_It'll be like Percy and Thalia all over again, during that Capture the Flag game. You remember that?" someone had loudly called. Jason grounded his teeth together, not amused._

Remind him Hera killed the first Jason

Remind him the first Jason died on the Argo

Call him Sparky

Call him Pikachu

Call out "Jason, I choose you!" when you get into a battle.

Play a Greeks vs. Romans Capture the Flag at Camp half blood

_He looked discretely around, finding a convenient lack of Romans in the Greek camp. Was she trying to get him killed?_

Tell him he's not one of the Seven.

Ask him how he liked the taste of staplers?

Remind him he was never offered immortality while Percy was.

Remind him Camp Half Blood's never even heard of the Romans.

Dye all his purple shirts orange.

Kissing of the Boar initiation, anyone? We have to welcome our new camper.

_And like that, he could practically _feel_ his supposed new allies grinning mercilessly at him and suppressed shudder but could not the groan that bubbled past his lips as he rolled his head back, staring bleakly at the sky that seemed to laugh back at him…_


End file.
